


Shakespearean Characters Go Through Airport Security

by captainofthegreenpeas



Category: Historical RPF, Original Work, SHAKESPEARE William - Works
Genre: Bastardizing Shakespeare, Drabble, Gen, Parody, Pastiche, References to Shakespeare, Spoof, This is silly nerdy fun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-05-23
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:13:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24337195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captainofthegreenpeas/pseuds/captainofthegreenpeas
Summary: Shakespearean characters go through airport security. I don't know what else to tell you, man.
Comments: 7
Kudos: 19





	Shakespearean Characters Go Through Airport Security

Life was less than easy for the staff at the Shakespeare Airport.

“We get some right characters coming through here,” Imogen would tell anyone who’d listen. “The other day, there was a lady in a flaming temper and I said to her “Can I interest you in some duty free?” and she yelled “Were I a man, I would eat his heart in the food hall!” Crazy, right? I mean, what do you say to that?”

Salerio, on the other hand, still had anxiety dreams about the time a barrister tried to bring a gold casket, a silver casket and a lead casket through Customs.

* * *

“Business or pleasure?”

“Exile,” Coriolanus grunted, recklessly swinging his army holdall around and around. Several travellers had to duck out of the way.

* * *

Antonio squinted at the passport. The original name had been TippExed over and CESARIO printed on top.

“I think your passport’s been tampered with.”

“No. I’m definitely a man. Well, a young man. Kind of a boy. Definitely not a woman.”

“I didn’t say…”

“I’m just visiting a beautiful lady on behalf of my handsome employer. I will tell her beautiful things in my boyish but definitely manly voice.”

“Didn’t I see you on the news? Weren’t you in a shipwreck recently?”

“No. I’ve never heard of shipwrecks in my life. I’m not the survivor from the shipwreck, but she sounds pretty.”

“Alright. Well…just this once. Get your passport updated.”

Half an hour later, the same person came to passport control and handed over a crinkled but unspoiled passport.

“Ah, Mr Sebastian, glad to see you’ve updated your passport!”

“What?”

* * *

Duncan had been having a pretty quiet morning, scanning the hand luggage as it smoothly glided through the arch. A couple, each sporting a thick Scottish accent, placed their trays on the conveyer belt. An ominous long shadow suddenly appeared across the screen.

Duncan frowned. “Is this a dagger I see before me?”

“Maybe.”

Duncan opened the laptop bag.

“What are you doing packing a knife of this size? The regulations clearly state no blades longer than six centimetres.”

“She told me to!” The Scotsman pointed at his wife.

“Oh, that’s right, blame me for everything!”

Meanwhile, the metal detector went off as a procession of senators queued to walk through the scanner.

“Please step over here, Mr Cassius.” Adrian patted him down. “What’s the meaning of this?” Adrian asked as he brandished the knife tucked into Mr Cassius’ toga.

“I.....I’m going… on a cookery course?” Cassius improvised.

“Strange, that’s what he said.” Adrian nodded at where Titus Andronicus was being questioned by security.

“So many knives.” Duncan tutted. “Young people today. In my day, we were never so violent. I blame the video games. Still, let’s hope nothing weirder happens today.”

* * *

Duncan stared at the scanner. That wasn’t… that couldn’t be… He opened the backpack, and held up the human skull in his right hand.

“Is...this isn’t real…is it?”

“That’s the question,” Hamlet sighed. “Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him, Horatio.”

“I don’t care what his name is, you can’t take him on a plane! Oh God, where have you put the rest of him?”

“But he has a ticket!” Horatio piped up.

“Quiet, you. You can bring ashes if you have a death certificate and a proper container but you cannot transport human remains in a backpack, it’s not hygienic!”

“I think you mean it’s not ethical,” Polonius retorted. “But what do we mean by ‘hygienic’? What do we mean by ‘ethical’? What do we mean by ‘what’? In my humble opinion-“

“Oh, don’t you start.”

* * *

“Sir, I don’t think you’re really a hunchback.”

Richard scowled. “No, I am. I was in my mother’s womb for two years and that’s why-“

“Two years? That’s biologically impossible; you’re a human being not an elephant. Please remove your cloak.”

Richard sighed and flipped his cloak to reveal a backpack strapped underneath.

“One piece of carry-on luggage is permitted, if you’ll kindly step this way, my colleague will see that you gate-check that backpack.”

* * *

“Security.” A voice babbled over the walkie-talkie. “He’s going where? Pursued by a what?!”

* * *

Miranda stared in awe. “Oh brave new world that has such people in it!”

“Alright love, it’s only a postcard stand.”

**Author's Note:**

> I know, it's very short. If I think of any more pastiches I will add them.


End file.
